I’ve found over the past 10 or so days in the hospital, that the one thing I’m looking for most is comfort. For someone to tell me everything is going to be ok. For someone to say that James is going to be ok. Most of the time I’m strong, confident, and know in my heart that he will be just fine. But there have been some difficult moments, times when I feel very weak, and times when I completely break down. To hear his doctors say the words “He’s going to be ok,” aloud would be an amazing gift of peace to my soul. Until then I find myself seeking comfort in other ways.
I love that our favorite Respiratory Therapist is named James. (Maybe that’s why he’s our favorite.) We met him when James was in ICU in February, and then again when he was transferred to ICU last Friday. That has to be a sign. The amazing doctor who was here the night James was transferred to ICU is named Maeve (not that common a name). She was also here the night James had to be re-intubated, and has checked on him several times since. A good friend of mine from many years ago has a two-year old daughter named Maeve…that makes me smile. The Nurse Practitioner who worked so hard to get his oxygenation issues figured out yesterday is named Tammy.When I was very young I had two best friends, one was named Tammy. Coincidence? Maybe, but it lets me exhale just a little. I could go on and on, some a bit more of a stretch than others, but all giving me a bit of peace when I needed it most.
So many little stories and random connections have given me comfort since we’ve been at Children’s. I recently heard them referred to as Godwinks. I like that. I like finding small signs that tell me everything is going to be ok. Maybe I’m reaching a little. I do tend to over think some things, look for meaning anywhere I can find it. But certainly no harm is done by this. In fact, if it gives me some kind of peace of mind and provides comfort during the difficult days, it can be nothing but good. So I will continue to seek out Godwinks each day. Searching for little bits of comfort until his doctors can say, “He’s going to be ok.”