I love it!

I’m so thankful to have the opportunity to stay home with James for a while. I think we both need this time together. There is an amazing healing that comes from just being together, and after the start he’s had, we could both use a little healing.

I couldn’t stay home with James when he first came home from the NICU. I didn’t have that time to connect with my little guy outside of the hospital. I used my maternity leave so I could be with James in the hospital. I wouldn’t change anything about that time though. It was so important for us to be with James and surround him with our love right from the beginning. I wanted him to feel our presence, to know he wasn’t alone, and know we would stand with him through each challenge. If it was possible, I think more than anything I was trying to will him to live, to keep fighting. I told him over and over that it would all be worth it someday, that he’d get to come home and we’d be a family.

I remember saying that same thing to him when he was hospitalized in December. I asked him to keep fighting and told him he’d get better and we would bring him home, that it would all be worth it again.

James has been happier than ever these last few weeks. He laughs and smiles all day. Such a joy!

And here we are, at home, trying to make each day worth all the fighting he did. We spend our days with a little Mickey Mouse and Curious George, with lots of music, some books, trains, puzzles, and cars. Most of the time he leads the way and I follow. Occasionally our days are filled with doctors and therapy, and there’s the always present challenge of eating. I’m amazed at how fast the days go, and at how little I can get done that doesn’t involve James. He is a busy little explorer and likes to have someone by his side at all times.

I really do love it, but sometimes it’s hard. I make mistakes everyday and there are lots of things I can do better. I’m thankful for a Daddy and a Grandma who are amazing and help me get through each day. And, I’m thankful for him and all the silly little things he does throughout the day that remind me to smile. There’s plenty of room for me to grow into this role of stay-at-home-mom. Hopefully I learn a little each day, and someday I’ll be the mom this amazing little boy deserves.